Comments to Paragraph 4:
1. Again, there's good information, but improperly presented:
- The language is too informal ("Anyway,... want")
- Can it be more specific: information from results; ambitions?
WHERE is home?
2. Delete:
"if I can finish it" - (If you aren't sure you can finish it, they shouldn't let you start.)
Paragraph 4:
Upon completion of this project, if I can finish it, I intend to return to my home country. There is a real need for the type of information my results will provide. My thesis will be of great interest to the government and maybe they will give me a lot of money for it Anyway, I eventually want to work for the Ministry of Education, with the aim to restructure English writing programs, a restructuring which should facilitate great positive change for the underprivileged in the urban areas there.
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