Comments to Paragraf 2:
1. General content in this is not bad. However, it could be "tightened up" a little:
- More details about the University, its programs, faculty, or facilities could be added here.
- The language is too informal in the second half of the paragraph. The sentences are too long/wordy in the second half as well.
2. Delete:
- Information about the climate.
- Comment about the neighboring states.
Paragraph 2:
My proposed doctoral thesis topic is "Writing a Statement of Purpose: How to do it" Over the past ten years I have done extensive research in the field of Language and the application Process and have found that this is a topic on which there is a serious lack of resource material. I hope to fill this fundamental gap through my work at the University of Kalamazoo. The program at the University is especially interesting to me not only because of its worldwide reputation as a leader in the output of research on various and sundry aspects of the English language and its use but also, because of your prime location in the temperate climate of upstate Michigan and its proximity to the many invaluable resources to be found in libraries in the neighboring states of Wisconsin, Ohio and Illinois. Participation in your program is interesting to me because I wish to participate in the University's long standing tradition of academic excellence.
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